Sunday, September 4, 2011

Batman, it is SO on.

It has begun.

I knew it was just a matter of time (and a matter of being in a work environment filled with women who have gone through the whole baby-having process at some point in their pasts), but the baby-related, sometimes judgmental, and typically advice-laden comments have started spewing, geyser-like, from the face-holes of some of my beloved coworkers. This is a morosely beautiful and incredibly specific occurrence that I know plagues anyone going through some kind of specific life event (buying a house, getting married, buying a new vehicle, planning a major trip, dealing with illness, etc... ad nauseum), but the baby flavor of this phenomenon is exactly as annoying and amusing as I thought it would be.

Of course, a few women are being just lovely: some listen good-naturedly to my hormone-induced woes, offering sympathetic and encouraging words that are genuine and well-intentioned. Others share their personal stories with absolutely no implication of "this is how ANYONE with half a brain must do this thing;" they are simply sharing their experience with another woman going through a shared life experience. It's some serious red tent business, but I dig it, even if it is informing me of details I never needed to know about coworkers' bodily fluids and/or orifices.

On the other hand, there is one woman. Let's call her "Nellie," as in "don't be such a Nosy Nellie," or "that Nosy Nellie is making me want to sock her in her stupid nosy face if she doesn't stop nosing her nose into my damn business." Nellie has no children, but she seems convinced that her knowledge of pre-natal care far exceeds that of anyone who has had children, even less anyone who is preparing to do so. When I walked into school one day last week holding the last two inches of a Dunkin' Donuts pumpkin flavored iced coffee (so help me, I wait like a child for Christmas for the release of pumpkin flavored anything come this time of year), I didn't get a "good morning," or even a "hi," but instead she gave me a concerned look and eyed my cup suspiciously. "Not giving up coffee, I see?" she muttered, using a tone much like one would use when accepting the fact that a teenager is, in fact, going to get their whatever pierced. I smiled, and told her I was cutting back a bit. Her sigh of resignation was almost staggering.

As the day wore on, more tiny comments emerged. Thankfully, this is not someone I have terribly frequent interaction with, so outside of a day of training, I am unlikely to give her so much opportunity to share her advice. If I were, I would likely explode from restraining the snarky comments I would want to spew back at her. After eating three roughly two inch square chunks of brownie, she asked me if my doctors had talked to me at all about eating chocolate. I informed her that my MIDWIVES (not doctors) saw great benefit in eating any food that both made me happy and that I could keep down without getting nauseous. Besides, while some medical experts believe chocolate to be worth limiting, other extol chocolate's many benefits. Take that, Nelly. She wasn't convinced.

The next comment was a real laugh riot. I was in my classroom, clambering about on chairs while hanging posters, and she told me that it can be extremely dangerous for pregnant woman to climb anything because (wait for it...) BABIES SOMETIMES JUMP UNEXPECTEDLY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR BELLY, throwing a woman off-balance and probably leading to both their deaths. It was everything I could do not to pretend to fall down onto her, just to see if she would try to catch me, but - misinformed about the cause though she may be - this was the first legit warning she has given me, so I smiled politely and told her I was being very careful.

I could go rather than continue ranting about this one tedious woman's attempts to be helpful, I introduce a new mini-post feature that I will call "Nellie has a strong opinion about..." There, I will share stupid, uninvited, inappropriate, tedious, and otherwise meddlesome comments hurled in my direction by typically well-wishing individuals.

In the meantime, I made a sling for you! It was a suprisingly quick and fun project, and one that I very well might try again to give to one of your future friends (as soon as I meet her or his parents). You're bopping around more and more, especially when I eat a lot of fruit or drink a ton of cold liquid in one go. Guess what I've been eating and drinking lately?

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